Strange

Each day is better. I miss my little guy, but I know he is well and I am feeling good. But, I am finding that I have a big hole in my life. I find myself longing for a 3 year old little boy. I should have been potty training this past year. I should have been disciplining and running ragged trying to keep up with him. He should be swimming in our pool and bouncing on the trampoline. I can literally see him doing all of those things. I miss you Phoenix. Mommy can't wait to see you again. I will hold you for as long as you will let me...

A lifetime

I am still unwrapping this package of grief that I was handed almost 3 years ago. Can I just say that I want my baby boy back so badly? I have been OK for a while and thinking of him every day, but lately, I am just suffocating. I look at the pictures of him and my whole body aches. WHY? WHY? WHY? I just want him back. I want to hold him. As my relationship with Forest grows, I realize so much more what has been taken from me. He looks at me and knows me now. He smiles and rests so peacefully in mommy's arms. Why sweet Phoenix did you not get that chance?
I have nothing to give to anyone around me once again. I wonder how long this can go on? Mourning is such an all encompassing experience. Once I enter in, all of my energy is there and I can give nothing. I can't answer the phone, I can't be with others, I just hurt. I know God is wrapping His arms around me, even as I type. Yet, I had to be honest, I am doing nothing but hurting right now...
I guess I have a lifetime ahead of me... and I know I will be aching for him through all of it.

Lesson from Ava

After Phoenix was born, I didn't share our photos much. I loved him so much, and I couldn't bear the thought of someone else seeing him and NOT loving him and seeing how precious he was... because all they would see was a puffy and purple little boy. But, I underestimated people. I have watched so many of you love Ava. During the baby dedication for Ava at her house, her daddy said, "Before Ava was born, I didn't know what unconditional love was. Now, I know. She is my daughter and I love her. Even with her imperfections." So, I feel a bit sad that I haven't given you the chance to know and love Phoenix. I know you did as well as you could, but I have been so guarded of him. So, here he is, our sweet little boy, so beautiful to us. We miss him.

Still praying

Well, God in His sovereignty has kept Ava here for a week now. UNBELIEVABLE. It is a miracle. Thank you Lord for her precious beautiful life. Thank you.

Please Pray.

My friend has headed to the hospital to give birth to her precious girl. Please pray that she will be OK. That God in His sovereignty would keep her here for as long as possible. If it be a few minutes, a few years, or 80 years, pray that His will would be done and that her mommy and daddy and family would be surrounded by the presence of God and know that He is there with them.

Thank you...

Adios mi amigos!

Well, for the last few months I have laughed and cried with you all. Mostly cried. Now, I will be blogging on a different page. I will come back occasionally and post if there is something I need to say about Phoenix. He'll be mentioned in the other blog too. He IS after all, a part of the family. The new blog is www.wildfamilychronicles.blogspot.com. You should visit. You can click below on "The Call of The Wild". I couldn't include Cook anywhere... they were all taken. It's like Smith or something. (:

I am truly grateful that you have taken the time to listen. It means the world to me. Really.

Until later...

You give and take away

This Sunday at church we sang this song. Many of you are familiar with it. It is the one that I literally choked on if we sang it while I was pregnant with Phoenix. But, for the last year, I've been able to get through it. However, this Sunday,it about did me in. My friend that I mentioned before who is carrying her precious little girl... she is around 38 weeks pregnant now... was standing just a few rows in front of me when they began singing this song. "Blessed be your name when the road's filled with suffering, though there's pain in the offering, blessed be your name. You give and take away, You give and take away, my heart will choose to say, Lord blessed be your name." Once again, I choked on the words. I know, like me, my friend has chosen to continue praising God in the middle of her most desperate time and she was singing the song with all of her heart. But, I have not been given the strength right now and I am not able to bear the thought again. A precious amazing baby, that she might have to say goodbye to. It is too much.

God really is amazing. I had the strength for the road I was on (for that matter, the one I am on today.), but I don't have the strength for someone else's road. I am not handling it well. I was reading some web sites of some other precious babies that I know whose parents have decided to blog about them. Babies with Trisomy 18 that they have lost. Wow. I really just couldn't take it. I cried and cried. My son kept saying, "Mom, just click on the little red dot up there and stop reading!" I couldn't... I'm amazed that people read my story, it is so painful to imagine what these people have gone through. I look at Forest and I think, no way... no way, could a loving God ask us to give up a child.

Yet, I know, He did it first. How? How did he? How can any of us? I don't know. I did it, and I still don't know. I look back and I don't know how I am here today, and doing anything more than just "surviving". Thanks for going there with me. It has been and still is healing for me.