More of the Story...

Forest Winston Cook. Born Nov. 29th 2007 at 5:03 p.m.
Wow. Where do I begin? I must begin with the faithfulness of God. In the midst of so many incredibly conflicting emotions, God has remained faithful, as always. I now understand that His faithfulness is not about my circumstances, but about His being there in my circumstances. The good and the bad. The story of Forest's birth has much to do with the story of Phoenix's birth. They are linked. The experience was amazing and difficult all at once. I apologize for the emotionally charged description but it can be no other way...

It started with fear as we headed to the hospital. The fear continued during labor with spurts of calm and peace that were certainly not explainable aside from the comforting presence of God. When Forest was finally born and I heard him cry I felt a flood of relief. However, that was fleeting.
He had the cord around his neck and was making a worrisome noise when he breathed. Worrisome enough for them to want to whisk him off to put him on an Oxygen monitor. If only they could have known what that did to this fragile mommy. I blinked back the tears and pleaded for my Dr. to convince them to bring him back to me. He left and said, "I'll see what I can do." Well, whatever he did it worked. I stayed awake that entire night and watched to see if he was indeed breathing. I couldn't take my eyes off of him. That made a total of about 48 hours straight without any sleep. You can imagine, I was delirious. The rest of our time in the hospital felt like it was full of HOURS of the nurses dragging him off for some test or other and me pleading with them to bring him back. I just wanted to grab him and run!!! The final morning his pediatrician showed up to do his circumcision and I cried as she left the room to do it. Then, I cried as soon as they brought him to me. Yes, I cried alot!

Believe it or not, the most emotional moment was still to come. I was having trouble believing that I would actually get to leave the hospital WITH him. The days at the hospital were spent holding my breath (or at least so to speak.)When they finally placed me in a wheel chair and set his little car seat in my lap...WOW. The flood of emotions that overcame me was almost embarassing. I still couldn't believe it. It was like God himself was handing him to us. The lump in my throat was gigantic and I was speechless. Could it be true? Could I really keep this little miracle? The tears just poured and poured. I tried to explain it to my husband but my chin just kept quivering when I would talk so I gave up. I'm sure he was terrified that I was going to be an absolute loony bird for the rest of our lives. You'll have to check in later to see if that happens or not. (:

Since we have been home I have only slept for about 2 hours at a time but have thoroughly enjoyed every second of my time with him. The first time I was finally alone with him (when the kids and my husband had retreated to the bedroom for a movie.) I was overcome with even more emotion. All of a sudden, I looked at Forest and saw Phoenix. I thought about how horrid it was to let them take him. How badly I wanted him back. Before I knew it, I was sobbing. Each time is healing, but oh, how real and painful that was. Like living it all over again. I know each milestone will be bittersweet. I will be celebrating Forest's life and wondering what it would be like to have Phoenix too. I know God is sovereign and was in complete control of the last few years of events because we allowed him to be. But, as a mother, I can't help but wish. Just wish I had him.

Yesterday, my daughter and I finally visited Phoenix's grave. I thought I would be fine but it was a little tougher than I thought. My sweet, wise girl asked me if we should come back when I wasn't so emotional. I assured her that I didn't think that day would come. I will always be full of emotion for Phoenix. So, we opened the door and walked slowly over to his beautifully engraved stone. It was paralyzing. I couldn't talk, I wanted to stay. I wanted to never leave. I wanted to tell him that I would never forget him. I wanted to hold him. I am full of love for him and it was all so very real once again. Anyway, as I type, I cry, yet again. Unbelievable. You would think there just wouldn't be any tears left. But, I assure you, they are in plentiful supply.
I am so glad though. With Forest's birth, comes a new layer of emotion for Phoenix. I had sadly managed to compartmentalize those feelings in 2 short years. I didn't want to but one must function. Right? When pain is too great, hide it. Right? No, that isn't healthy but it just wasn't going away and I didn't know what else to do with it. God knew it had to come out. I know he has many plans for Forest and one of those plans was to help his mommy deal with the pain of losing his big brother. I hope it is doing the same for the rest of the family. Hopefully, I will be able to post some more as I slowly get in to a routine. I have so much more to tell you about Phoenix....