Continued

Well, tonight is the night. I am going to attempt to pick up this story where I left off. The last thing I told you about was how emotionally drained I was to walk around knowing that I probably wouldn't get to take my sweet little boy Phoenix home from the hospital. I don't really know how to explain the limbo I was in. I was grieving, yet, I was preparing to grieve. I was up most nights for at least 2 hours. My friends would notice because I answered their e-mails at 2 or 3 in the morning. I'm sure that wasn't good.

I was trying to enjoy what time I had with him, even while he was in my tummy. Yet, I was having to talk with my husband about a birth plan and what measures we would allow the nurses and doctors to take once he was here. We had to talk about DNR orders and all kinds of other things that you should never be faced with concerning your children. We were in a strange place... why would you not allow them to do everything possible to save your child's life? Well, because we knew that no matter what they did... if God himself did not intervene and save this child's life, all they would be doing is AT BEST, prolonging the inevitable for just a very BRIEF time and at worst, stealing every single precious second that we might be able to hold him and kiss him and tell him we loved him. We wanted every second with him that we could get. I was really hoping to deliver him and hold him and tell everyone else to "get lost". Sorry... that doesn't sound very nice. Frankly, I was not in a state of mind to be nice to anyone. I was hurting and hurting very badly.

I sat down one night and typed up a "birth plan" and printed it out so we would be ready to take it with us when the time came. I think I was around 28 weeks pregnant at that point. Our plan was to only allow the things they could do while he was with us. Maybe some oxygen, maybe something to keep him comfortable. I probably couldn't hope to nurse him because, the reason the amniotic fluid was building up was because he wasn't swallowing it. I wanted to try, but I didn't have high hopes. It is by far the most painful thing I have ever written in my life. It forced me to think ahead to those moments... the ones that promised to be incredibly heart breaking. I didn't want to go there.

During each Dr.'s appt. I was measured. My fluid was building up quickly. There are many things that I didn't know much about. This exact scenario was new for the Dr. too. He had seen many things in his career and each one progresses differently. I wasn't sure about draining the fluid and neither was he. At 28 weeks, I measured where most people measure at 36 weeks pregnant. Not good. I knew I might have him a little early. However, the clock was ticking and my fluid was building faster every day. By 30 weeks, I measured full term. It was a very uncomfortable time.

During this time, I prayed for Phoenix daily and hoped that he could feel the love that I had for him. I hoped that he didn't feel any of the disappointment or desperation...just love.