A lifetime

I am still unwrapping this package of grief that I was handed almost 3 years ago. Can I just say that I want my baby boy back so badly? I have been OK for a while and thinking of him every day, but lately, I am just suffocating. I look at the pictures of him and my whole body aches. WHY? WHY? WHY? I just want him back. I want to hold him. As my relationship with Forest grows, I realize so much more what has been taken from me. He looks at me and knows me now. He smiles and rests so peacefully in mommy's arms. Why sweet Phoenix did you not get that chance?
I have nothing to give to anyone around me once again. I wonder how long this can go on? Mourning is such an all encompassing experience. Once I enter in, all of my energy is there and I can give nothing. I can't answer the phone, I can't be with others, I just hurt. I know God is wrapping His arms around me, even as I type. Yet, I had to be honest, I am doing nothing but hurting right now...
I guess I have a lifetime ahead of me... and I know I will be aching for him through all of it.