Snowy days...

As I type, there are already 7 inches outside my door. There is a large ominous looking snow man in the back yard and alot of wet coats laying at my back door. What a fun day. The kids should be at their "homeschool enrichment" day but some brilliant people cancelled that due to the forecast last night. (: O, I guess that would be me (and Laura)!

We have already enjoyed some hot chocolate and I even got a nice hot shower. Yep, officially a good day. I wanted to type and let you know something that my sweet boy Phoenix has taught me. I remember a few years ago when my older two were so little...I used to get so mad (yes MAD) when my day didn't go just how I wanted it to go. I needed quiet time to myself and I wanted a hot shower without a crying baby interrupting. If you have little ones then you know those things are RARE. So, I spent alot of time being cranky.

Well, today, I finally hopped into the shower at around 11 a.m. (pretty good considering I didn't get one at all yesterday.) Anyway, I had the baby monitor sitting in the bathroom with me so I could hear if Forest started to wake up or cry. Well, of course, 2 minutes into my hot shower, Forest started crying. Crying hard, the kind you really can't block out or ignore. But, all of a sudden, I had a MAJOR de ja vu' experience. I remembered back to when that would happen with my older 2 and I remembered the intensely irritated emotion that would just flood me. Then, tears started to pour. How could I have been so upset that I had babies that needed me???? I don't know, but Phoenix taught me. He taught me that every second I get, even when they are crying and needing me when it is inconvenient is one to be celebrated. So, I hopped out of the shower and threw a towel around me and wore a big smile as I started to go get the poor thing... luckily daddy was nearby and I asked him to go check on him. I know that makes him as happy as it makes me now a days. NO... It was not worth losing my precious boy to learn that lesson, but, it is one more priceless thing that he has taught me.

Well, that's all. Just another day in the middle of sorrow and joy.

Continued

Well, tonight is the night. I am going to attempt to pick up this story where I left off. The last thing I told you about was how emotionally drained I was to walk around knowing that I probably wouldn't get to take my sweet little boy Phoenix home from the hospital. I don't really know how to explain the limbo I was in. I was grieving, yet, I was preparing to grieve. I was up most nights for at least 2 hours. My friends would notice because I answered their e-mails at 2 or 3 in the morning. I'm sure that wasn't good.

I was trying to enjoy what time I had with him, even while he was in my tummy. Yet, I was having to talk with my husband about a birth plan and what measures we would allow the nurses and doctors to take once he was here. We had to talk about DNR orders and all kinds of other things that you should never be faced with concerning your children. We were in a strange place... why would you not allow them to do everything possible to save your child's life? Well, because we knew that no matter what they did... if God himself did not intervene and save this child's life, all they would be doing is AT BEST, prolonging the inevitable for just a very BRIEF time and at worst, stealing every single precious second that we might be able to hold him and kiss him and tell him we loved him. We wanted every second with him that we could get. I was really hoping to deliver him and hold him and tell everyone else to "get lost". Sorry... that doesn't sound very nice. Frankly, I was not in a state of mind to be nice to anyone. I was hurting and hurting very badly.

I sat down one night and typed up a "birth plan" and printed it out so we would be ready to take it with us when the time came. I think I was around 28 weeks pregnant at that point. Our plan was to only allow the things they could do while he was with us. Maybe some oxygen, maybe something to keep him comfortable. I probably couldn't hope to nurse him because, the reason the amniotic fluid was building up was because he wasn't swallowing it. I wanted to try, but I didn't have high hopes. It is by far the most painful thing I have ever written in my life. It forced me to think ahead to those moments... the ones that promised to be incredibly heart breaking. I didn't want to go there.

During each Dr.'s appt. I was measured. My fluid was building up quickly. There are many things that I didn't know much about. This exact scenario was new for the Dr. too. He had seen many things in his career and each one progresses differently. I wasn't sure about draining the fluid and neither was he. At 28 weeks, I measured where most people measure at 36 weeks pregnant. Not good. I knew I might have him a little early. However, the clock was ticking and my fluid was building faster every day. By 30 weeks, I measured full term. It was a very uncomfortable time.

During this time, I prayed for Phoenix daily and hoped that he could feel the love that I had for him. I hoped that he didn't feel any of the disappointment or desperation...just love.

A Heavy Heart

Well, I am happy to report that I am still not sleeping through the night. (: This means, that I still get to look at Forest's precious face at least 3 times in the middle of the night. I will miss it when that changes. (But, I'm sure I'll enjoy dreaming about his sweet face instead.)

The last couple of weeks have been precious. But, I have to be honest... I have been weighed down with a heavy heart once again. I have hesitated to mention this because, I never want to tell someone else's story. So, I won't. But, I have to at least tell you briefly about a very close friend of mine who is walking down a very familiar road. Not long ago, around 20 weeks or so into her pregnancy, she received some very upsetting news about her baby. She has problems that will likely make it difficult for her to survive once born. (short of a miracle) I have loved being by her side through it all so far. It helps give even more meaning to Phoenix's precious short life. I am still loving it to tell you the truth.

However, I occasionally allow myself to actually feel the pain all over again for her and her husband and her family. It is so heavy on my heart, I almost can't breathe. I pray that she will get a miracle. Oh how I hope that she never has to feel what I felt. Here in our house, we are painfully aware of how rare miracles are and know that she might not get to come home with them. I feel the empty pit in my stomach all over again just thinking about it.

If you have a prayer list, please add my friend to it. I will not share names etc. so I won't be guilty of telling her story. She will tell it one day. I pray that it will be told with a different ending than mine.

In Pursuit of Sleep

You might have noticed, if you are one of the few still reading this, that I haven't posted very much lately. I have had many incredible opportunities to think of Phoenix in the last 5 weeks. Many late night hours of feeding to stare at Forest and think of what his big brother would have been like. Interestingly enough, he looks so much like Phoenix did. It is like a little gift from God to us. However, stealing enough time to actually get on the computer and post something worth reading has been next to impossible. Forest still needs to nurse every few hours or so and therefore I am not sleeping much in one stretch. I am quite sure I never get through a full sleep cycle. I am left feeling like I am stretched very thin during the day. My thoughts are not coherent.

I want to continue the story of Phoenix where I left off. I feel badly for beginning such an involved story and then PAUSING indefinitely. I apologize. I promise as soon as I begin sleeping through the night a little, I will continue.

I can't begin to tell you how blessed we feel around here. The whole family is just aglow with grateful hearts. Not one single inconvenience of having a baby around has really proven to be an inconvenience to us. Others might think so, but we are celebrating it. Even big brother and sister are happy to hear his cries. We have virtually stopped our entire life and spent every moment tending to him and we love every second of it. We miss Phoenix and dearly wish we were chasing a 2 year old and holding Forest at the same time. We can't wait to tell him all about his big brother and how he changed us all forever. I hope you are all having a wonderful New Year so far and that you are getting more sleep than me.

Until later...