I am still unwrapping this package of grief that I was handed almost 3 years ago. Can I just say that I want my baby boy back so badly? I have been OK for a while and thinking of him every day, but lately, I am just suffocating. I look at the pictures of him and my whole body aches. WHY? WHY? WHY? I just want him back. I want to hold him. As my relationship with Forest grows, I realize so much more what has been taken from me. He looks at me and knows me now. He smiles and rests so peacefully in mommy's arms. Why sweet Phoenix did you not get that chance?
I have nothing to give to anyone around me once again. I wonder how long this can go on? Mourning is such an all encompassing experience. Once I enter in, all of my energy is there and I can give nothing. I can't answer the phone, I can't be with others, I just hurt. I know God is wrapping His arms around me, even as I type. Yet, I had to be honest, I am doing nothing but hurting right now...
I guess I have a lifetime ahead of me... and I know I will be aching for him through all of it.
Saturday, May 24, 2008
A lifetime
Posted by Christy at 5:06 PM
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4 comments:
I'm so sorry! I can't imagine the grief that you continue to feel.
I was thinking the exact same thing Dalene wrote. I'm so sorry and I can't even imagine. Wish I could take it all away and make it better. You are an amazing woman, and I wish you didn't have to feel this suffocation. Your children are so blessed to have a mother who loves them the way you do and who knows the preciousness of life.
Yes, you can say anything you want. I have to say that I think of him often. I miss who I wanted him to be, George's friend. When I am with you and George is running around like only George can do, I miss Phoenix too. Thank you for always sharing life with me. I love you friend!
Oh, dear Christy...
You express the heart so well. I am praying for you...and for your comfort. I often say that the depth of our grief is reflective of our capacity to love. You love well, dear Christy!!
Hugs...
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