Anxiety

Well, the next step in this story is to tell you about the day that Phoenix was born. However, I find myself on the eve of another birth and without the emotional strength to tell the story. I have nothing. In fact, I wonder how I will even make it through birth. The emotions are so overwhelming that I am afraid I will walk into the hospital tomorrow to be induced and just start bawling like a little baby right then and there. I feel incredibly vulnerable. Right now, I have become one of the cattle they are herding through the office and hospital. Everything looks fine and so there is not a soul who is slowing down long enough to speak gently and comfortingly to me. I hate that I need them to... but I do. I am terrified. I have never been terrified to give birth. Not even when we were going to have Phoenix did I have this kind of anxiety. I guess because I realized that I shouldn't hold out much hope. Now, I've had hope for this whole time and I guess that is what scares me. It scares me to hope. It scares me to believe that Forest will be fine and I will be fine because, what if...

I know that isn't at all how I SHOULD be thinking. I know that when I get off of this computer I am going to RUN to God and pray like a desperate woman. But, right now, right this moment, I am just not feeling brave. "Lord, I believe, HELP MY UNBELIEF!!!!!"