Surreal life

Those are the best words I know to describe the life I was living and preparing to live from now on. I really don't know what I expected when I finally found out the results of the amnio. The only really good thing is the realization of what a great doctor we had. He called us at home, gave us time to get the kids to the grandparents and then he actually came to our house to talk to us about what they found. I wanted to know... but I didn't want to know. I was so conflicted inwardly that I really didn't know what to think. So for the most part, I didn't. It seemed thinking was only an exercise in futility. Wrapping my head around this was impossible. Understanding it was impossible.

Well, the Dr. told us what we had expected. Our little boy...(by now we had named him)Phoenix Gabriel, had Trisomy 18. For anyone who doesn't know, a trisomy means that on one of the DNA, everything failed to separate correctly. When there are problems with the DNA, it means every single cell of their body is affected. It is not a small problem. Likely, you have only heard of Down's Syndrome. Down's Syndrome is Trisomy 21. It is the most survivable Trisomy but even then, many babies do not make it. The further up you move on the DNA ladder, the more severe the problems. So, Trisomy 18 is more severe than Trisomy 21. We had lots of questions for him so he stayed and answered them all for a long time. My emotions didn't do anything more than they had already done. I love that we have amazing technology in our day and age, and I love that we can do so many amazing things to save people... but in this case, all technology had done was give me information and then tell me there is no technology to fix it, no medicine to fix it, nothing they could do. Nothing. ((ugh))

Information is a strange thing. It can be very empowering but it can also steal your faith in God to do the impossible. I found myself believing the diagnosis above believing that God was capable of a miracle. Here in lies the struggle I faced for the next 10 weeks. I had many questions. In my head, I knew that God could do a miracle. In my head, I also knew that Phoenix was currently very sick and not likely to live for very long. One day, I would wake up with the strength to pray and believe and KNOW that Phoenix was getting better, somehow, miraculously. Another day, I would wake up with complete and utter despair hanging over my head. Why should I expect to have a miracle when I know that plenty of other deserving people out there didn't get theirs?? What about orphan children in other countries, or children who have no food, or the children who have been sold into prostitution? Don't they deserve a miracle? What about my 2 uncles that we just lost to Cancer? Didn't they deserve a miracle? YES, they all deserved a miracle, but for some unknown reason, they didn't get it. So, now, all of a sudden, God should part the heavens and provide a miracle for me? I found it hard to request. Yet, as a mother, giving up hope for your child seems unthinkable. I was drowning in my own thoughts.