Into the silence

In case you have never had the need for an amniocentesis, I will tell you a little detail that I didn't know previously... the answers don't come quickly. The doctor told us it would be around 2 weeks before we would have any information from the amnio. We went home in shock. It had been a little less than 24 hours since our whole world was shaken to its core. Everything about this experience was contrary to what I had ever imagined for my life. I had always quietly told God that the one thing I really could NEVER handle was losing one of my children. Let anything else happen... anything. I was sure that I would simply wither away and die along with them. So, I began this day to day walk with the belief that if a miracle did not happen, I would probably die from heartache.
The house became a quiet peaceful place. Miraculously, I do not think the kids argued once for at least a year. My husband became very calm and steady (not that he wasn't already) and made sure there was very calm peaceful music playing almost 24 hours a day. I walked around as if in a dream. I talked with God and didn't quite know what to say. I had never needed a miracle quite this badly. If I really tried to talk about it with Him, the tears just started flowing. I decided that it was really all I could do was cry to God. There weren't any perfect flowery words that I could form. If there was a formula to pray for a miracle, I wasn't capable.
I just cried and He listened. I remember waking up every morning and trying to sort out whether I had just experienced a very realistic bad dream, or if I was living it. Of course, it usually hit like a ton of bricks very quickly and I would inwardly sink. Somehow, I would manage to drag myself and the HUGE lump in my throat out of bed. I managed to not cry in front of the kids yet. We still hadn't told them anything because we didn't quite know what to say. The happiness and innocence of their lives served as therapy for me. I liked to get lost in their world and pretend that everything was perfect and carefree. Because to them, at that moment, it was. So for 2 weeks, my life became silent. The whole world as I knew it had gone into waiting. Me, my husband, every relative and friend and acquaintance... even God... silent.