Take a deep breath

Well, the next morning finally came. We tried to convince the kids..."sure, it's absolutely normal to have lots of 'extra sudden' appointments to check on the baby. (Right mom.) They were 8 and 5 by now and quite keen in their ability to notice something is not right. Still, we didn't want to explain anything until we knew what we were explaining. The amniocentesis itself was not QUITE as bad as I had imagined. I guess you can really imagine alot of crazy things if you let yourself. I did NOT look at the needle. I'm sure I would have at the very least broken into a cold sweat if I had done that. The Doctor said, "take a deep breath..." and next thing you know I was lying very STILL so that I didn't mess anything up. It was over with pretty quickly. But, I wanted to cry. It seems a little cruel to tell someone so many things that they never wanted to hear and then ask them to come in the next day and do a procedure they NEVER wanted to do. Double whammy. When I look back, those little 24 hours were so fast... I really didn't even know what hit me. I was sure it was at least a freight train, but who knew? It just went so fast. The doctor was able to answer alot of questions that we had managed to come up with over night. He mentioned that it was a very real possibility our baby had Trisomy 18. This is called "Edwards Syndrome". What is that? What does that mean? How does that happen? He patiently tried to answer it all while also explaining that he just didn't know for sure what was causing all of the problems until he had the results back from the amnio. I went home and looked up everything I could about Trisomy 18... It took many days for me to be willing to accept what I was reading. Even then, I couldn't accept it, but maybe at least comprehend it. These babies just do not live for very long. IF they survive until birth. What???????? Of course, everyone surrounded us in prayer. My parents came over and they prayed with my husband over the baby. Everyone wanted to keep saying that we would have a healing. I wanted to believe them. But, I knew that God had been involved from the minute this baby was conceived...He knit him together in my womb... he doesn't make mistakes...was it possible He knew that this is how he would be? None of it reconciled in my mind. My heart was strangely at peace but my mind was tired. I just kept taking a deep breath and trying to trust......